On Tuesday night it finally hit me, or more accurately, faded away; the quiet, yet suffocating stress I had been wheezing under for months had finally disappeared. I thought I saw it saunter off a few days before from the corner of my eye, but it was on Tuesday that I realized it was really gone for good; or at least, for now.
I would share the details of what mounted that stress with all of you, but the details don’t matter, because I think in no matter what form it comes in, we all know what that stress feels like to bear, and then the glorious relief when it lifts.
It’s the same and different for all of us, just another common, annoying plight of being human.
The rest of the week was a wacky, “What day is it?” Twilight Zone episode, with Marion’s back and forth travel from Vancouver, a slow descend into sickness, (Marion brought it down from Canada), an other-worldly massage on Thursday which dispelled my fears that I was injured, (I am just a ragged runner), and a Friday that played out like a backwards romantic comedy, the happy ending was in the Act One, (morning), and then I got my heart broken in Act Three, (afternoon).
Let’s take a deeper dive into the subject in that paragraph that is the most appealing, Friday….
As most of you know, I love New York City. We have a connection. It knows I may never call it home, but I still feel like that is where my heart belongs in another life.
I feel that way about the city on its own, but now that a handful of my best friends in the world DO call it home, and my cousin and her family live a stone’s throw outside of the city, AND a few of my TeamSFQ teammates are only a train ride away, I really do feel welcomed every time I visit. Also, they put on an extraordinary marathon.
Just one of those reasons would have made it an easy decision to take my guaranteed spot that I earned in 2018, but I really wasn’t sure until Friday morning. I had gone back and forth with the cost of the race, (it’s no Ironman, but it’s pricey), plus I didn’t want to smudge up the near-perfect race I had in November by running it again so soon. Nevertheless, the truth kept staring me in the face; I love New York, I love running marathons, and I knew a chance like this to have a guaranteed spot was special, so with the thumb's up from my coach, I registered Friday morning.
For the next six hours I was on top of the world, I had the first part of my year set up well for races, Surf City Half-Marathon, (done), Seaside Half-Marathon, (this weekend), Oceanside 70.3 triathlon, (early April), Wildflower long course triathlon, (early May), Ironman Boulder triathlon, (June), and then the Grande finale at the end of the year, (New York City Marathon), but just before I climbed out of my Jeep to go swim, I checked my email, and my heart hit the pavement.
Thankfully, the shock still allowed me a decent swim, but on my drive home the sadness truly sunk in, the race that I had the “best” chance to earn my pro card just disappeared.
“Why do you have to stop doing this?” Marion said over the phone on Saturday morning after I told him that my nearly perfectly-paved path toward my crazy-ass goal was dashed the day before.
“I can’t keep doing triathlons forever.” I whined in response.
Now, there are about a thousand sane reasons “why not?” But, the fact that he responded that way to my blubbering, is all I needed to hear to straighten up and re-focus my strategy for this season, and beyond.
I know where I am in this stage of life, (nearly forty), fitness wise, (best run shape ever), professionally, (finally accepting that I will never have a 9-5 job, more like 12+ including coaching, writing, speaking, directing, producing that I can complete in any location on earth), current and future training, (I will always make it a priority for my mental and emotional health first and physical health second), racing, (I have barely scratched the surface).
Whether I earn my pro card before September 17th, (my birthday), or not, none of that will change.
Therefore, losing the chance to race at Wildflower may have mucked up my path slightly, but it also opened my eyes to another option that is probably a better fit for my pursuit anyway. More on that another time…
For now, I am thrilled to be knee-deep in 2019. Regardless of how joyful or upsetting each step will feel toward reaching my goals, I will keep moving forward, learning from and appreciating all of it.
This song and video, "Dancing with A Stranger" from Sam Smith and Normani is fantastic!! Plus, the dancing Normani displays is jaw-dropping; it's like I was looking in the mirror.:)