The first time I did this, took time off from work to pursue my goal to become a pro-triathlete, I was overwhelmed by shame. Even though being a stay-at-home parent was my priority, triathlon was a distant second place; I still didn’t feel like I was doing enough. When I went back to work, once Hannah started driving, that shame disappeared, but a crueler sensation took its place, fraud.
For years, (decades), I felt held down underwater by an invisible force of trying to live up to certain expectations of how I should live my life, while also trying to give breath to how I was meant to live my life.
I realized recently, (only about two weeks ago), that I was in control of that invisible force, that I manifested that shame, yet I followed my gut anyway. I was my own worst enemy. I constantly wrestled with remaining true to myself, embracing and spreading positivity by living and sharing a life of pushing my physical limits, while not wanting to inconvenience anyone along the way. But I did.
And I will.
Because I am not done yet.
I am just getting started.
And I have zero time to waste.
Every decision I make from sun up to sun down, (and hopefully the 7-8 hours of sleep in-between), is driven by how they will make me a stronger triathlete.
What I put into my body and what I do not put into body is intentional, the people I spend time with, and do not spend time with is intentional, and the content that I consume, (tv, movies, books, YouTube, social media), and not consume, is intentional, because my lifetime is limited, and it is mine to live.
However, the real truth is, triathlon, a sport, (a hobby to 99.9% of its participants), is simply the vehicle I chose, (or chose me), to do everything possible to improve every single day at becoming a better athlete, has in turn actually made me a better wife, parent, daughter, sister, friend, leader, storyteller, and citizen of the world by showing me a path on how to never give up on myself; and if I don’t give up on myself, I will never give up on anyone else.
2012, Taryn, or even early 2019, Taryn did not feel that belief was valid.
I felt selfish to live each day with triathlon as my priority, and just wanted to exhaust all avenues to reach my pro-card goal so I could finally get it out of my system, and move on with my life.
But it’s not going anywhere.
What has changed over the last few months, is that now I am relieved that I don’t have to reach my peak/walk the plank on June 9th, (Ironman Boulder race day), because there is life beyond the finish line. Regardless of my results, I will board a plane the next day, hug my dogs and husband when I arrive home, eat a bucket of nuts and ice-cream while watching Bravo, lay my sore body down on our bed that night, reflect and appreciate all that I endured the day before, and dream/plan for how I can improve.
Then I’ll wake up the next morning, sit down at my computer, write it all out, (the good, the bad, the ugly, and the amazing), and share it with all of you.
The song choice this week is a lovely ballad from Lukas Graham, "Love Someone."