The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants

How often do we turn toward and face what scares us? How often do we take on what we know will be hard? I believe I have when it comes to running and triathlon, and I suppose writing, too, but there is still one dream that scares the daylights out of me.

I knew at ten years old that I wanted to be a director. At the time, I was feverishly writing screenplays, (not completing any), but writing all hours of the day and night holed up in the bedroom I shared with my sister listening to Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch and Bell Biv Devoe on my Walkman. I created hip and sassy character names like Chase and Lucy, where nearly every plot somehow ended up with the “tomboy, yet hilarious best friend” winning over the "good-looking and gentlemanly" Quarterback. It was classic art imitating life, because yours truly was always “the best friend” who was often used as a liaison to the more desirable girls, but never looked at as more than a buddy. It was annoying and torturous, but it made for great material.

As fate would have it, I think that this Lucy did end up with her Chase, because Marion was a bit of a hunk in high school, and I am certain he would have asked me to pass notes for him to the hot girls in our class if we went to high school in the same decade. *The take-a-way here is that tomboys are often under-estimated, but know how to play the game better than any girly-girl.*

In any case, even though I studied film in college, and made a few short films, I was too scared to pursue it further because I was never technically savvy with cameras, lighting, etc. More accurately, it was because the powers that be in the University of Colorado Film Studies program did not deem my 16mm presentational short film my Junior year strong enough to pass me along to the sexy BFA program, and I had to settle for the prudish critical studies BA. However, after I graduated and started to work on “real” movie and TV sets, I quickly learned that the most powerful and important person on any project was the producer. Hence, I became a producer.

The Ket Set PA on UPN's Ill-fated show,  Haunted , circa 2002.

The Ket Set PA on UPN's Ill-fated show, Haunted, circa 2002.

Honestly, I think I was born to be a producer. It is a natural fit for me because it requires patience, positivity, strong communication, and organizational skills. Consequently, creativity only comes into play when figuring out how many different ways to solve a problem. In essence, a producer needs to keep the captain, (director), of the ship steady at the wheel; the sailors, (cast and crew), fed and motivated, while spending all their time pacing the deck making sure the morale and nourishment last the entire voyage.

Producing takes endurance, which is why I love it, but I am itching to face my fears and run toward the licking flames of the Director’s chair. I might fail, again, but as the esteemed endurance athlete David Goggins said, we are “put on this earth for a journey.”

He also said, “You don’t need shit dick to be great.” So, I am going to give it a go.:)