If I didn’t have a standing appointment to write and post my blog every Tuesday, I wouldn’t have posted one last week. I sat in front of my computer for hours that morning in agony about how to articulate how I felt, but didn’t find the words until the following morning. (Please see my FB and IG post from last Wednesday.)
It’s annoying when life does not go along with our preferred timeline, but it rarely does, if ever.
I think what is so gutting about this whole debacle with getting sick and missing Ironman Boulder, is that I thought it would be resolved by now.
I didn’t want to quit the sport on June 10th, (the day after the race), but I needed to let go of the white-knuckling stress I had been putting myself through since December. I wanted to feel relieved from the pressure that mounted over the last six months from re-shuffling everything else in my life to the back of the line, to believe it was worth it, I had accomplished my goal, and could finally exhale and move on.
However, the starts and stops back to training this past month have been the most challenging of all.
I don’t think I am sick anymore, my lungs seem clear, but honestly, my breathing does still feel off at times. I would have appreciated having an official clean bill of health by now, but the soonest I could see my Dr. is next Tuesday, so I am just going by feel. My swim, bike, and run fitness is returning, but my heart and mind are still flooded with anxiety that maybe I’m not ready yet?
Ready to for what?
Ready to train? Ready to race? Ready to truly search for what I want in life beyond triathlon?
After many deep talks with a few great, (and very patient), friends and family members, I think I'm ready for all of it; I'm ready to let go of who I want to be, and ready to appreciate who I am.
One of my best friend’s, (and holder of a Master’s degree in Sports Psychology), Hadara, asked me a few days ago, “What is your gut reaction when you think about Wisconsin?”
“I want to race. I want to go and do it, but without the expectations I had for Boulder.” I replied instinctually.
I do want to race Ironman Wisconsin, but what I want to do more is swim without catching my breath, ride my bike without my foot hurting, (that’s a whole other ball of wax), and run.
I want to enjoy any one of those activities today, tomorrow, or next Friday, and if I get to do all three in one day in front of a large crowd and alongside a bunch of my friends and like-minded strangers in Madison, Wisconsin, even better.
I want to feel like I did in those two photos at the top, my swim exit in Kona, (my last Ironman), and my swim exit at Ironman Louisville, in 2008, (my first Ironman), ecstatic that I was in the moment, appreciating what my body had just survived, and excited about what it was going to conquer next.
I don’t need to be exceptional; I just want to be functional.
Since I am stickler for good music and quality visual effects, the song choice this week miraculously captures both, One Republic’s cool new tune, Rescue Me.