While lying in bed on Sunday night smiling after running a steady eighteen and a half miles earlier in the day, I couldn’t imagine how I would be able to run twenty-six point two miles any faster on April 20th? I have run many marathons, some might say too many, and most of them have been completed at a quickish pace of time ticking on the clock, certainly faster than during training runs, but those memories felt like dusty ancient history on Sunday, truly, as I was drifting off toward slumber, I couldn’t help but wonder, was that me? Of course, the answer is yes, and no.
The last four occasions that I’ve run the Boston marathon my body was much more intact, and as a genuinely middle-aged human being, (I turned forty-six and a half on St. Patrick’s Day), I know the sensations of injury, fitness, fatigue, elation, satisfaction, suffering, and joy very well, (some of them too well), but I appreciate them all, because I’d rather feel something, even defeat and disappointment, than nothing at all.
I’ve learned that pain is temporary, but numbness is powerful and paralyzing; not believing in a reason to keep going is like slipping into quicksand, panicking and flailing while being stuck in place.
Pre run mobility.
I am familiar with being stuck. I loathe that feeling. However, the way to escape quicksand is to slow down, stay calm, and move slowly to loosen up the constricting sand. I don’t know if I would’ve escaped my own quicksand scenario(s) if I didn’t allow my body and mind to slow down, stay calm, and metaphorically loosen the constricting sand around my damaged limbs and fragile psyche, but I am grateful that I did because I believe that is how I can keep moving forward today.
It hurt, it still hurts, to feel broken, violated, and unsure of who can be trusted, but pain is a magnificent teacher, it taught me to endure discomfort, to believe in myself, to trust that I am evolving as a runner, athlete, friend, person, and naturally to accept that I will get stuck again, but that I won’t stay stuck for long, because I believe in a reason to keep going, I want to.
I still wonder if I can run faster than I did last Sunday during the marathon, but I know that injecting some speed into upcoming workouts these next few weeks will be a fun, and potentially fruitful way to try.
Stay tuned…
I changed things up last week by reading the screenplay for one of my favorite films, The Hours by David Hare. I am flushing out an idea and kicking off my own screenplay project so studying and enjoying this gorgeous, yet tragic story adapted for the screen from the novel by Michael Cunningham made for an emotionally riveting afternoon at Starbucks. I highly recommend watching the movie as well.